It's been years since I added to this blog. In my first post I said:
"Unlike the academic setting where the syllabus is clearly laid out, the School of Holiness follows a hidden course with lessons and pop quizzes at the most unlikely of moments. Little do we know what our community will continue to become, what all will be entailed in the "whole", what "life" and "lives" will be, how much the Sacrament of Marriage embodies the Passion, and just how much grace and perseverance it will require....all the "little becomings" that are happening on our way to heaven."
I was hoping to document all the little ways we were growing in holiness but what I have learned is that one will never perceive growing in holiness; we only see our growing need and dependence on Grace.
After 20 years of marriage and six children, now Dan and I are divorced. Our six children will always be something that binds us together but the grace of sacrament and it's ability to persevere never took hold as Dan's faith wavered...a gift he desperately wanted but could never grasp. The heavy burdens of life and the suffering that accompanies loving imperfect people require healthy doses of faith, hope and charity to stand the test of time.
Now our children are being raised with two sets of values in a culture that scoffs at Christianity and "taking the moral high ground" as my daughter calls it. I have not given up on the School of Holiness but the lessons are so much harder to teach and to learn in a world that does not want to be told what is good and what is evil, that says you can have your own value system, but then uses shame to manipulate people.
In the past two years there have been many "little becomings" in the formation of our "community of life and love" as St. John Paul II called the family. We have fought and reconciled, we have valued moments remaining and grieved loved ones, we have felt fear and went forward anyway, we have learned to advocate and to listen to needs. There have been rejections of Church and seeking of Truth in the world as it is. There have been profound questions of value and personhood, of sexuality and gender, of race and creed and disability. What makes us whole? What makes us worthy? Are we still lovable? Will you still love me anyway?
Will you still love me anyway? That's a hard one for all of us after this divorce. But the answer is always yes. Dan and I both honestly say that we still love the other. So the lesson there for me is that sometimes love is not enough. Sometimes, All times...we need Grace to become in the School of Holiness.
And so for the children: I will love you anyway. No matter what choices you make. No matter where your journey leads you. I will love you anyway. I will love you no matter who you love. I will love even when you hate yourself. Whether I understand you or not, I will love you anyway. I will love you when you break my heart and call me names and say my best isn't good enough. I will love you anyway. I will be here when you need me. I will always point you back to the Father when you get lost. Even if
you do not know Him or call him Father. I will pray for you. I will love you anyway. And it will never be enough...and I pray you will know what God's love is like *because* knowing it would never be enough, I loved you anyway.
