The School of Holiness Part 2

It's been years since I added to this blog.  In my first post I said:

"Unlike the academic setting where the syllabus is clearly laid out, the School of Holiness follows a hidden course with lessons and pop quizzes at the most unlikely of moments. Little do we know what our community will continue to become, what all will be entailed in the "whole", what "life" and "lives" will be, how much the Sacrament of Marriage embodies the Passion, and just how much grace and perseverance it will require....all the "little becomings" that are happening on our way to heaven."

I was hoping to document all the little ways we were growing in holiness but what I have learned is that one will never perceive growing in holiness; we only see our growing need and dependence on Grace.

After 20 years of marriage and six children, now Dan and I are divorced.  Our six children will always be something that binds us together but the grace of sacrament and it's ability to persevere never took hold as Dan's faith wavered...a gift he desperately wanted but could never grasp. The heavy burdens of life and the suffering that accompanies loving imperfect people require healthy doses of faith, hope and charity to stand the test of time.

Now our children are being raised with two sets of values in a culture that scoffs at Christianity and "taking the moral high ground" as my daughter calls it.  I have not given up on the School of Holiness but the lessons are so much harder to teach and to learn in a world that does not want to be told what is good and what is evil, that says you can have your own value system, but then uses shame to manipulate people.

In the past two years there have been many "little becomings" in the formation of our "community of life and love" as St. John Paul II called the family.  We have fought and reconciled, we have valued moments remaining and grieved loved ones, we have felt fear and went forward anyway, we have learned to advocate and to listen to needs.  There have been rejections of  Church and seeking of Truth in the world as it is.  There have been profound questions of value and personhood, of sexuality and gender, of race and creed and disability.  What makes us whole?  What makes us worthy?  Are we still lovable?  Will you still love me anyway?

Will you still love me anyway?  That's a hard one for all of us after this divorce.  But the answer is always yes.  Dan and I both honestly say that we still love the other.  So the lesson there for me is that sometimes love is not enough.  Sometimes, All times...we need Grace to become in the School of Holiness.

And so for the children: I will love you anyway.  No matter what choices you make. No matter where your journey leads you.  I will love you anyway. I will love you no matter who you love.  I will love even when you hate yourself.   Whether I understand you or not, I will love you anyway. I will love you when you break my heart and call me names and say my best isn't good enough. I will love you anyway.  I will be here when you need me.  I will always point you back to the Father when you get lost.  Even if you do not know Him or call him Father.  I will pray for you. I will love you anyway. And it will never be enough...and I pray you will know what God's love is like *because* knowing it would never be enough, I loved you anyway.

Lenten Readings

1) Just as Lent began and Benedict XVI announced his retirement Dan and I were browsing for Lenten reading and I came across "The Pope Who Quit" about Pope Celestine V. I began to read this and finished just as the Conclave made their choice of Francis I. It is truly and wonderful look at a segment of Church history and the life of a Saint...a man who just wanted to be along with God but kept being called to do more ministry. To this day no one knows if Celestine was holy, but inept at the managerial side of being pope, or if his refusal to "play" with the curia was an open act of difiance of the political, faithless role it had become.  It is interesting that he did make way for the Franciscan Spiritualists to continue on...and now we have Pope Francis I calling us back to our own spiritual roots.

The Pope Who Quit: A True Medieval Tale of Mystery, Death, and Salvation by Jon M. Sweeney

http://www.amazon.com/Pope-Who-Quit-Medieval-Salvation/dp/0385531893

 

 

2) It will be no surprise that Dan and I have been closely following the conclave and Francis I first steps in the Petrine ministry.  I have been deeply moved by his strength of character and outward signs of humility, but also his amazing ability to preach the heart of the gospel.  I will surely continue to follow and listen intently to this Holy Father's teachings! If you want to follow along too, I recommend the www.news.va or ThePopeApp.   Here are a few to get you started:

Rend Your Garments -Pope Francis I --Ash Wednesday Homily
http://whispersintheloggia.blogspot.com/2013/03/the-popes-call.html
 Inaugeral Homily- Francis I
http://www.news.va/en/news/pope-homily-for-inaugural-mass-of-petrine-ministry


3) Francis the I has also been reminding us all to remember the poor and care for the earth.  I came across this book at the Normal Library.  It has been an easy quick read, and surprisingly insightful and enlightening reflection on charity and justice.Generous Justice:  How God's Grace Makes Us Just by Timothy Keller
http://www.amazon.com/Generous-Justice-Gods-Grace-Makes/dp/1594486077

 
4) We also had a nice conversation centered around Jen Fulwiler's mid-life crisis. Her insight into mourning the loss of opportunities more than dislike of one's present circumstances seemed to hit the heart of the matter for anyone who is moving from one life-stage to another.  Letting go of "what coudl be" is really at the heart of embracing God's will. For His will is for us to Love in the present moment, no matter the suffering, the past, or the future.
Behind the Scenes of a Mid-Life Crisis by Jen Fulwiler
http://www.conversiondiary.com/2013/03/behind-the-scenes-of-a-mid-life-crisis.html

No More Diapers in 2013!

In accordance with the New Year, I was reflecting on the fact that after 9 years and 10 months straight of changing diapers, potty training and the like, I no longer have anyone in those stages.  Leif has not had an accident in over a week.  Okay, I do have a little issue with Josie wiping poop on things where poop does not belong in the bathroom like walls, toliet paper holder, towels, or last night, feeding turds that were under her pillow to the dog...that was just weird.  She tried to tell us that they were the dog's turds, but I can tell the difference, and she finally confessed.  I hope you are totally belly laughing by now, because that is pretty much what I did...again...who does these things?

But in all, it is a strange little death and resurrection, for all the while I was diapering, I was looking forward to not having to do it anymore.  The babies were okay for the most part, but after foods are introduced, it's just so nasty. However, now I mourn their littleness passing. 

Leif is already able to read several words:  Leif, Josie, Yes, No, Stop, Devo, and Rush. His one little baby thing left is that he still wants to rub my hair in the night, and we still let him sleep with us.  As uncomfortable as it is, I'm going to let it last as long as possible just to hold onto the last vestiages of "baby" that I can. 

But the resurrection is this sense of freedom that I don't have to carry a diaper bag, that everyone can buckle themselves into their seatbelts, that everyone can use words to tell me that they want and need and no one needs to take a nap to get through the day.  I foresee a great year where fewer babysitters are needed and more daytrips can be taken, where we can do more as a whole family.

I know I'll still want more "baby", but preschool and elementary school are great ages to love too, and I've got to get my fill in before those teen years start! I figure the next two or three years will be "golden years"--no babies and no teens.  LOL

Here's to 2013!  Happy New Year!

Putting A Good Face on Parenting?

I was just checking on Learning to Be a Newlywed to see how her baby was doing.  She just lead me to think about how so many of us are not alone in wanting to put a positive spin on the sacrifices of parenting. 

But lest we forget, the Resurrection was preceded by the Cross (which is pretty ugly scene).  And the cross was preceeded by that Agony in the Garden and Jesus asking for reassurance that there might not be an easier way to get the job done.

SO it is with marriage and parenting.  I think we spend a lot of time in the Garden/Kichen/Bedroom, telling our Peter/kids/husband to quit retaliating against the enemy trying to cutting off ears/hiting eachother with toy golf clubs/comparing who did the most housework and shedding blood and tears wondering if there is not a better way to bring Peace and Love to humanity/family/marriage.

 I think Jesus looked forward to the end....He did announce, "It is finished." Is there a parent who does not rejoice a little in the "dying of the day" when the kids are tucked in and the house is set to rights and there is hope for Resurrection in the morning?

13th Wedding Anniversary

We celebrated our 13th Anniversary with our usual date to the Olive Garden and Barnes & Noble.  By usual I mean, that is what we did on our wedding night, and pretty much every anniversary since then. Yes, we really did on our wedding night, LOL!  What else do you do when you are NFPing??   This time we also threw in a browse through Toys-R-Us, which is kinda fun.  We decided a little hedgehog family toys best embodied our marriage and family. Cute but a little prickly.

But being that it is our anniversary the question of "what are we" and "what are we becoming" was in the forefront of my mind.  If you have been reading this blog, then you probably are not suprised that we are not what I imagined we would be this far into our married life.  But I am fairly certain that God has a plan for a future full of hope, that He is slowly forming us into a more perfect copy of His image and likeness.  All the heartaches and pains that were not caused by our own sinfulness, are just a part of His Divine Plan which we only have a meager glimpse of from this perspective.

Adjusting to Dan's new 3rd shift schedule, the kids being out of school, and I trying to work my full hours to actually make ends meet has been very hard. We have gotten to spend a little more time together each day, but none of it together alone or even each by ourself really. So our whole family is stressed out, because it's just unnatural to go so long without some "down time." We did enjoy our trip to Six Flags (thanks to Grandma for treating us!) especially since we did not have any meltdowns and did not lose any children the whole day (Thank you, LORD), but it was busy-action-packed-fun, not quiet-relaxing-enjoyment.

I resolve to be more intentional about carving out time for Dan and I to be quiet-alone together so that we do not grow apart during this summer.  And I promised him I would re-join him in our weight-loss efforts which I abandoned in March, but he has successfully continued to pursue on his own (I'm very proud of him).  We also talked about spending a little more one-on-one time with each child allowing them to pursue something they love--like maybe taking K to the planetarium, and G shopping, etc.

Lofty goals.

Last Day of School!

Today is the last full day of school.  I am not sure what we will become over the summer, but I am certain that it is going to involve becoming a lot more patient or a little more insane, or both simultaneously.

I have to say I know that Sophia is going to be surprised by her own report card, because I've noticed a LOT of really great grades coming home in her folder.  I'm not even sure what was different this quarter, except that she did start on the anti-anxiety med and her teacher said she was much more proactive in taking sensory time-outs when she needed them.  ...and they really did not have much "home" work either, which helped a lot too! LOL

We did decide that we are ready to move on to a new living situation, but we are patiently waiting for God to reveal to us what we should do, buy or rent?  Please send up a little prayer for us and for whomever is preparing to sell/make way for us.  I say this because when we sold our house two years ago, I prayed and prayed for the family who would buy it.  When we were fixing it up, painting, etc. I tried to do it with the mindset that I was preparing it for someone special, not just to sell it.  I wanted to acknowledge God's plan.  And so I was pleased when a church bought it to rent to their youth pastor's family.  It seemed right.  So now I'm praying for the family from whom we will buy or rent...they must be going through an transition in their lives too.  God's will be done.

Lent 2012

For Lent I've made a poster with 400 spots for us to write down things we are thankful for this Lent. Gianna is preparing for First Communion and I thought this would be a great way to help make the connection between Eucharist and thanksgiving.  I also want to finish reading "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp that I began so long ago, but still have a few chapters left.

I feel like this weekend DH and I talked about how we need to redouble our efforts to spend more time together and make our marriage & friendship come before the kids.  We don't really know what this will look like, but if we don't begin at least some intentional effort, the distance between us is only going to grow expodentially.  My conclusion is that it needs to include sharing more about our faith/doubts openly and spending more time together, including sleeping in the same bed without children between us (going to be hard to convince DS of that one) and getting out of the house together.

So we decided to read and discuss a book during Lent. DH picked out: "Simply Jesus: A New Vision of Who He Was, What He Did, and Why He Matters"  DH suggested this book because he thought we would both benefit from delving into the question:  Who is Jesus really??  N.T.Wright writes, "Unless you ask this question ("Are you who they say you are?"), your "Jesus" risks disappearing like a hot-air balloon off into the mists of fantasy.  This problem remains enormously important. "

I'm really glad DH suggested this because I think that it might really be at the heart of all his doubts, and of my own spiritual desert of late.  To me it has become all about me being a better person, but really, that is not what the heart of Jesus or his message was all about.

If we can ask the question "Are you who they say you are?" about Jesus, we might be able to ask the same thing about one another and learn something new as well.  Perhaps we will also include many things about eachother that we are thankful for on our poster.